Saudade

These memories do not let me sleep.

I try to avoid thinking about you
but you bounce back like a cork
pushed down in a glass tumbler.

You have hurt me,
but they say that that
I’ve done to myself.

I don’t know if I’m
or they’re right.
But in any case,
it’s my hurt which is bearing the pain.

Yes, pain.

You came into my life
like a bright sunlight
and now I’m sitting alone 
in a cold winter’s night.

I keep on asking, ‘why?’
but I know it doesn’t have any answer.
I cannot answer the question I’m posing,
own my own.
And there’s no reason 
why you should be answering this,
you, who didn’t even care to respond to my letter.
I don’t even know if you’ve read it.
Have you?
I’m sure you did receive this 
because I was the postman.
I slipped it between the book
you’re reading, kept on your bed.

You know love,
it ain’t love if it’s a possession.
It ain’t love if it’s dying to touch someone,
kiss them or be with them all day long.
It’s a suffocation.
And I never wanted it to be.
I’ll be fine without that physical presence.
My idea of love is not accumulating it.
And by letting you go,
I do not mean to let go of 
those memories.
I’m fine with these memories.

These memories.
The first time we met.
When you caressed my body,
brushed my hair,
and cuddled me while I lay exhausted over you.

The time when you smiled 
and talked in Punjabi over phone.
I smirked and then laughed.
I loved your response.

You know what,
I cherish it till date.
This is my treasure.
I know not if you’ll understand this.
I loved being in love. 
And loving you.
I never tried being in love.
You don’t.
You just happen to love someone.
And I did.
I do not know if you did.
Deep down I know,
you didn’t.

Let it be.
Let it go.

But how do you let go
of these,
these memories?
When we kissed, we never wanted to separate.
When we slept, we never wanted to get-up.
When we made love, it was never enough.
Never enough.
Never.
But right now,
I do not wish to hurt myself.
Not anymore.
I’ll live with these memories.
Those beautiful ones I have,
and those bad ones which 
everyone wants to forget, I do not.
I’ll not let go of them.
I’ll let go you.
I have.
But not these memories.
Not these memories.

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